God Is and What I Believe

December 24, 2013

(1 month, 26 days later)

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“God is patient and kind. God is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. He does not demand His own way. He is not irritable, and He keeps no record of being wronged. He does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. God never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

This is my God. He is being patient with me. He IS kind to me. He does not demand His own way in my life, but gives me free will. I am the one choosing depression instead of life in Him. Which that is a good question, why am I “depressed”? God, please reveal the truth and lies to this question. I feel weighed down or I guess burdened by all the things I have had to deal with. My heart could not take one more thing without something physically wrong happening or at least that’s how I feel. I know I’m supposed to give my burdens to God, but what does that really look like? I have also been dwelling on and keeping a running list of everything that has gone wrong. I want to see myself as the victim, because then people will care and will be amazed at how well I’m doing. I disgust myself. I am a disgusting creature. No, I am a pure, spotless, guiltless daughter of the King. God, I need you to help the truths I’m not believing soak in.

I am believing that I am a worthless, disgusting creep that has to pull herself out of the mess I’m in. Clearly, I still don’t understand grace and righteousness.

I can tell myself I’m a victor not a victim, but I don’t know how to change to actually believe it. God, I’m assuming that’s because you do the changing?

Freedom in Christ

December 23, 2013

(1 month, 25 days later)

Galatians 2:18-21

“Rather, I am a sinner if I rebuild the old system of law I already tore down. For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law-I stopped trying to meet all its requirements-so that I might live for God. My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless for if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.”

Even in my dreams I realize how great my desire is to please others and work to be perfect. It left me, in my dream and I’m sure in real life, depressed. I feel worthless and empty and don’t want to keep going. God doesn’t necessarily want me to keep “fighting” for my faith. My depression doesn’t mean do more, read the Bible more, listen to more messages. He just wants me to relinquish control and live. He wants me to be free. Every time I try to “up” my game and work on myself, I am crucifying Christ. Just accept that you suck and start walking free with Christ.

Depression and Future Rebuilding

December 21, 2013

(1 month, 23 days later)

First I should write about last night. I was told I could go home early yesterday and got out of closing Westfall. So much has happened while I have been on duty and even when I haven’t. I was tired and had to put on a mask every time I interacted with someone. I couldn’t take it any longer. Last night I hit a low that I believe may have been even lower than finding Amelia. I was scared that I would slowly walk away from my faith and that I may even be heading for depression suicide. I am pretty confident I am struggling with depression, just how serious it is I don’t know. Someone seems to think that it is very momentary and will pass, but after how I felt last night I’m scared that it is much deeper and will be with me for a while. I am so tired and fatigued that I don’t think I can keep fighting much longer. I feel as if I have hit the point Andrea was talking about where I throw my Bible across the room and leave the church. I don’t feel mad at God, but desperately want to ignore Him as if that would make all my problems and pain go away. I really love people, but I’m so tired of trying to tell people how I feel and them just minimizing it and saying its nothing and that they have been there and it’s fine. I’m NOT Fine! I’m tired of fighting for relationships and for my faith. It’s exhausting! I think of Andrea saying we feel as if when we let go we will fall, but really I’ll just fall into His hand. I remember the words I said in Bree’s project “I never knew I could feel so much hurt and so much pain… I was left empty and desolate.” and yet I ended with the hope I have in Jesus. I know the truth yet I’m in such a dark place that I don’t know if I really trust it all. Anyways this is what I read today:

Jeremiah 31:2,4

“This is what the LORD says: ‘Those who survive the coming destruction will find blessings even in the barren land, for I will give rest to the people of Israel.’ ‘I will rebuild you, my virgin Israel. You will again be happy and dance merrily with your tambourines.'”

Without Fault

December 19, 2013

(1 month, 3 weeks later)

Ephesians 1:4

“Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes.”

I feel like I can read this same truth every day and yet it still blows my mind. I guess I really didn’t realize how much I do have a grasp on my sin. I would not be this blown away if I didn’t. When I think of sin I normally go to the specifics and think to the 10 commandments. I think in big ways and in that sense I really am doing okay, though I still fail. What I’ve come to realize is that sin is really just not meeting God’s standard even if it’s just by a little bit. I don’t meet my own standards, so there is no way I am meeting God’s. I’ve also seen my selfishness quite frequently. Even before the world He saw me as one without fault. That’s crazy! And that viewpoint never changed even as I started sinning.

Chosen and Not Arrogant

December 18, 2013

(1 month, 20 days later)

Romans 11:17-20

“But some of these branches from Abraham’s tree-some of the people of Israel-have been broken off. And you Gentiles, who were branches from a wild olive tree, have been grafted in. So now you also receive the blessing God has promised Abraham and his children, sharing in the rich nourishment from the root of God’s special olive tree. But you must not brag about being grafted in to replace the branches that were broken off. You are just a branch, not the root. ‘Well,’ you may say, ‘those branches were broken off to make room for me.’ Yes, but remember those branches were broken off because they didn’t believe in Christ, and you are there because you do believe. So don’t think highly of yourself, but fear what could happen. For if God did not spare the original branches, he won’t spare you either.”

This was a long one, but it’s important. None of us should be so cocky of our spot in Christ for we did nothing. We could become like those who walk away. My friends could become like them. I don’t want to take this lightly. God, you have to intervene here. Save my friends!

Glorious Standard & Righteous

December 17, 2013

(1 month, 19 days later)

Romans 3:23-24

“For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when He freed us from the penalty for our sins.”

I have read this verse a lot and have it memorized, but the fact that His standard is GLORIOUS stood out. Definition: delightful, wonderful, completely enjoyable; entitled to great renown; brilliantly beautiful or magnificent, splendid. Any of those definitions could be put to explain God’s standards. His standard is delightful and brilliantly beautiful. He standard is amazing and yet the point of that verse is that we crushed it, and chose to throw it into a ditch. And then, Jesus enters the picture. WITH UNDESERVED KINDNESS, HE DECLARES THAT WE ARE RIGHTEOUS. Definition of Righteous: characterized by uprightness or morality; morally right or justifiable; acting in an upright way, virtuous; absolutely genuine or wonderful. That is what God declares to the world what we are! Mind cannot comprehend.

God’s Glory

December 16, 2013

(1 month, 18 days later)

Romans 8:20b-21

“But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay.”

So good! So true! I know I have an eager hope for that day and all of creation does too.

vs. 30

“And having chosen them, He called them to come to Him. And having called them, He gave them right standing with Himself. And having given them right standing, He gave them His glory.”

Why would God ever do this for wretched, sinful, arrogant and selfish people? Why would He choose us and give us His new identity and why would He ever give us His glory? I get to walk with a God who is unimaginable! Oh how He undeservedly loves me. I’m His prize, His treasure, and His bride and I will never deserve it. I will never be able to please Him with my actions. I am His because He wants me.

Amelia update:

I am literally shaking as I write this! Andrea was on the plaza today wearing a sign that says: “Jesus wept.” A Christian approached her and asked what was the reason for the sign. She told him and he said his girlfriend was really good friends with Amelia. And said that he was pretty certain that she was a believer! Her salvation wasn’t really questionable. She had a clear moment of choosing God. I am overwhelmed. I will most likely meet my sister in heaven. I don’t even know what else to say.

Death –> Life

December 15, 2013

(1 month, 17 days later)

Had counseling again. We actually didn’t have much to talk about. This week, though, it would be good to look at why I reacted to The Hobbit the way I did. Was it because I wanted to be triggered so I could be protected by a brother? Or was it because it’s safe to process through movies? I could have been looking for something to trigger me because I still need to process even if there is closure. Also I need to look at my relationship with the guys involved when I found Amelia. Is there a grudge? Just awkwardness? Or are they not safe?

Romans 5:10

“For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of His Son while we were still His enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of His son.”

Jesus had to become an Amelia in order for me to be saved and redeemed. Death had to come so life could be had.

Known & Knower

December 14, 2013

(1 month, 16 days later)

John 10:3,14

“The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize His voice and come to Him. He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out. …I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me.”

I can trust in this. I am known by God. I am deeply, intimately known by God. He calls my name and romances me. It also says I know God. That sounds just as much of a promise as being known. Wow! I will always have more seeking and knowing to do, but I am known and am a knower.

…Yep, I finally decided to journal about sin.

If I am a sinner what does that mean for me? It means that I am weak and unworthy. How do I think others would perceive me? I wouldn’t be loveable and most of all likeable. If I didn’t prove myself I would be out casted because I would be annoying. I realize that I do see others as sinners and some of them I do deem as annoying. I am so sickly arrogant. I disgust myself. Yet I look at other people that I know are sinners and still love them. They’re not performing for me. They’re loving on me and freely do so. God, I want to find the freedom in the identity you have given me, but I also need you to help me see more of my sin. Help me to stop pleasing You and just live with you.

Remaining & Granting

December 13, 2013

(1 month, 15 days later)

John 15:5, 7-8

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. …But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.”

Aggh! God is so faithful! First I’ll discuss the verse. I know I’m not perfect and don’t always feel like I’m remaining in Him, especially recently. But I must be, because God is granting everything Bree and I have been asking, and He is producing fruit. God is getting glory. This is so relieving!

So, first story: Adam got Sam’s name for Secret Santa on the floor. Adam is an atheist, but heard that Sam wanted a Bible (which blows my mind) so he took James to buy a $25 Bible for Sam! The gift limit was $5.

Second, Bree and I were praying about clarity for where she should live next semester as well that God would help her to remember things. The next day Bree had the most productive day ever. We also thought through all of her living options and felt like we should pursue having Bree move to my floor. My jaw dropped when I saw Bree talking with one of my residents, because she has been unapproachable this whole semester. God made it easy for them to be a perfect roommate match up. Bree called Jonny to see what he thought about the move. He told her that he didn’t want her living in her current situation. At this point we felt like we were getting a lot of go aheads and a door was clearly opening up. Now Bree needed to tell her roommate. She stressed about the conversation all day, but finally asked her roommate if they could talk. She said, “before you say anything I think one of us should move out.” Thus became the most civil roommate disagreement I have ever known! Bree’s roommate was so excited she called her RA in immediately and her RA thought the move sounded great! Now I needed to go talk to Jacqui and she freaked out because the move would be perfect! God did it all and we just watched. So cool!